Eternal Silence

We know we’ll lose him,
He knows he’s going to leave us
It really is just a matter of time.
My heart gets heavy with sadness at the mere thought of it
I cannot afford to lose him
I cannot.
I do hate death, indeed I do.
I remember when we were kids,
and my mom’s grandma passed away
I was too little to understand anything
but my mother was in tears.
Our home was silent for the longest time
No loud dinner conversations, no tv running in the background
and for me, that’s what I hated the most.
I was much too young to understand her grief then
I wasn’t even sure who had passed away,
since we lived so far away.
I doubt I knew what death even meant.
That my mother would never get to hold her grandma’s hand again,
that my sweet mother was weighed down with the guilt of not calling her enough
that her home would now be an empty shell of what it once was,
the candle lighting it up, has ceased to shine anymore.

But today, I get it.
The worst thing about death is the emptiness it leaves behind
a nothingness so sharp, it cuts into your heart and wrists.
Killing you from the inside,
little by little.

And you think about where they are buried.
Her, whom you loved and revered so much.
You don’t want to think about the tiny grave they dug up.
and the worms feeding on her flesh.
She had the darkest black hair right till she died,
and now that keratin may be all that lasts for a while.
He passed away in sujood, in the middle of prayer
in complete obedience to the Lord above.
And now he’s been gone for longer than he ever breathed.

We live, we die, we decompose.
And in the brief interlude between,
we scramble around like hamsters in a cage,
What is this mockery that is life?
I am far too exhausted by the mere thought of it
It’s almost as if it was me living all these lives and deaths,
and my soul is wearied now.
If the Buddhists are right,
I hope to be at rest,
I need moksha.
If the Hindus are right,
I hope for a reprieve out of this endless cycle
that is tiring my soul by merely existing.
If the Abrahamics are right,
I do hope I am worthy of heaven and all its glorious pleasures.
But for the moment, I’m content with knowing
that in all the thousand lives I may have lead,
I have been kind and generous,
and so full of love.
I can only hope the Supreme Being won’t let me decompose to being nothing at all
forgotten and lost, in the folds of time.


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